


He's Gone

by Shwtlee



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Military, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Blood, Dark, Depression, Devoted Reylo, Drug Dealing, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heavy Angst, Heavy Drinking, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, MIA Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), References to Drugs, Rey Kenobi, Self-Harm, Separation Anxiety, Solider Ben Solo, Suicidal Thoughts, but will get better, it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-09-27 01:43:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9944843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shwtlee/pseuds/Shwtlee
Summary: Rey never had a family or a place to call home. She was on a dangerous path to self destruction. Then she meets Ben Solo and found a home with him. But Ben is in the military and leaving for the most dangerous assignment of his career, and no one knows if he will make it back alive....This is Rey pain train. I read so many Ben/Kylo Pain train, so decided to write one for her. It's sad please read the tag before reading.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Guys,
> 
> This is a story i wrote as a challenge. I am more comfortable writing Ben/Kylo's POV, because he is the character I can related to the most. So writing this was a bit difficult, I had to dig deep and actually try to put myself in her shoes. Also, had to channel my own mental health issues to make it sound believable. I hope it is.
> 
> Please be warned this is going to be sad. And read the tags before continuing. 
> 
> Hope you guys like it.

_ “Fuck!” Ben cursed, looking up at the sky. The brisk evening air ruffling his hair. His back turned to her. She could see the muscles of his neck tensing and his back was stiff. He brought his hands up and buried his face in them. Rey heard him growl a little, the sound muffling in his palms. _

 

_ “Why-of all the time in the world-did I have to find you now?” He turned around facing her. She could see tears in his eyes. He grabbed her head between his large palms and brought down his forehead to hers. “Why did I have find you now, now when I’m leaving and I might never come back?” _

 

_ Rey closed her eyes and felt her own tears spilling down her face. Ben leaned down and kissed her wet cheeks. “I can’t believe this! I have been waiting for this assignment most of my adult life, and now that I can finally go and serve my country, all I wanna do is run. Run away with you. I don’t wanna leave you, sweetheart.” Then he muttered under his breath, “I don’t care if they call me a coward, or dub me a traitor, if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you, Rey.” _

 

_ Rey couldn’t hold back the sob anymore. She started crying. When he said these things it became real and all she wanted to do was forget that he would be leaving. And he might never come back. Just like her parents. She had finally found a home with Ben and the universe would take him away too. _

 

_ She wanted to be strong for him, she didn’t want to cry, but she couldn’t help it anymore. She could feel the signs of an imminent panic attack. Her chest constricted, she could feel her hand shaking, and she felt like she would be sick. _

 

_ Ben, sensing her distress pulled her into his arms, hugging her tight to his chest. Rey was crying earnestly, and her whole body shuddered but his embrace never failed to soothe her. He could always do that, sensing when she was about to fall apart and preventing it. He was her rock and she was about to lose him. The thought brought about another round of violent shivers. She felt his arms tightening around her.  _

 

_ “Shhh. It’s okay, I’m still here. Shhh.” She felt him whisper against her temple. “I love you, Rey. Calm down sweetheart. Try to breathe.” _

 

_ Ben stooped down to pick her up and carried her back inside. He carefully tucked her head under his chin. She heard him shutting their balcony door behind them. She buried her face in his chest, feeling his warmth seeping through his shirt. He placed a kiss on top of her head, still cooing and whispering sweet nothings to her.  _

 

_ She felt drowsy as he brought her to their bed, laying her down, and pulling the covers over her. He knelt down beside her and placed a kiss on her forehead, then one on her lips, before pulling away. She felt her body relax; this happened to her every time as the exertion from the attack drained her of all her energies.  _

 

_ She was drifting off to sleep, but before the world dissolved in darkness, she thought she heard him say something against her temple that sounded like, “I will come back for you sweetheart, even if it’s the last thing I do, I promise.” _

 

* * *

 

 

Rey woke up with a start, one hand clutching her chest and the other searching Ben’s side of the bed. No, he wasn’t there. Ben had been gone for a year now and Rey wasn’t sure when or if he would ever return. She choked back a sob, burying her face in her pillow. She had dreamt about him once more and about the night of her panic attack when Ben had stayed up all night holding and comforting her.

  
  


It was so hard being away from him. Ben was deep undercover, and there was no way of calling him. She envied the partners of other military personnel.  At least they could contact their loved ones once in awhile. Rey only knew Ben was still alive because of the updates she got once a month from his mother, a retired general and a senator. All information about his assignment was classified but Leia had connections and Rey thanked her stars for it. 

  
  


Memories of Ben always brought a fresh batch of tears to her eyes. She decided there was no point in holding them back. Rey was alone in their bed, wearing one of his shirts, and holding the pillow to her chest that still faintly smelled of him. Maybe it was just her imagination. She missed him so much. Her chest felt so hollow.  At times, she felt like she was going to die out of grief.

 

* * *

 

 

MIA. Presumed dead. Those are the words that had been running through her head. Rey had received that letter two weeks ago, but refused to believe it.  No, it couldn’t be.  He promised. 

 

“You promised me, Ben. You promised you would come back,” she whispered into the empty room. “You promised. You can’t leave me alone. What am I going to do now, huh?”

  
  


But what was the point of remembering his promise now?  He was gone. And she would never see his face again. She would never feel his soulful amber eyes on her skin, feel his strong arms wrapped around her, or his pouty pink lips on hers.

 

She squeezed her eyes and let the tears flow.  Rey thought that after two weeks of constant crying, she would’ve run out of tears. But no and it didn’t feel any better to cry. Her friends told her to let it out, cry it out. Time would heal the wound.  Impossible!  How do you heal a gaping hole in your chest? A hole where her heart used to be.

 

Rey hadn’t gone out in two weeks.  Reluctantly, she pushed up from the bed.  It was time to get up.  She had to drop her term paper off, and the faculty wanted it submitted in person. She was grateful her finals for this course was over and this was the last assignment due. Rey hadn’t attended three out of five finals. She would have to drop them or it would show F on her transcript. She emailed her advisor who didn’t want her to drop out. He was aware of her situation and offered to help but Rey didn’t want his help.  She couldn’t care less but her advisor insisted on it. She could take make up finals for two of the three courses she missed finals for, thanks to her advisor.  However, Rey didn’t think she could return for the next semester.

 

A tiny part of her mind told her Ben wouldn’t have wanted this. He would have wanted her to complete her degree. He made sure of that. Rey had scholarships, but Ben made sure she didn’t have to worry about her finances. She cursed him for being so thoughtful. It didn’t help her feel any better. It just reminded her of what she had lost.

 

* * *

 

 

It has been a month since Ben went missing. He hadn’t officially been declared KIA, but everyone presumed he died. He wasn’t a POW-at least that much had been confirmed. The only information Leia could find out was that his cover was compromised and his team had been ambushed. 

 

Rey dropped out of school and she wasn't going to return for the next semester. Most days she couldn’t get out of bed.  She just couldn’t imagine attending classes and returning to a normal life, when nothing was normal anymore.

 

She knew she was spiraling into depression but she refused to go back to her therapist. Finn begged Rey to go get help yet she flat out refused. She couldn’t imagine sitting in a room, being forced to talk about what she had lost, and admitting to people wouldn’t make it any less real. And she knew the drill, she had gone through the first three stages of loss. She was on the fourth stage, depression, and her therapist would encourage her to accept it, and move on. And that she couldn’t do.

 

She was fired from her part time job a week ago. She was surprised they didn’t fire her sooner. She came out of the apartment only five times, twice to sit for makeup finals, once to see her advisor, once accompanying leia to the DoD office for some formalities, and once to grocery, but that had been a disaster. She broke down in the cereal aisle when she saw Ben’s favorite brand. She had to call Finn to pick her up.

 

She knew everyone was worried about her but she couldn’t bring herself to care.  Rey had ransacked Ben’s liquor cabinet and knew she had to go out for a liquor run. She didn't have an income now, and reluctantly used the joint account Ben had set up for her. He had made sure she could access his trust fund. That man never left anything half done. Leia approved of it, but Rey was never comfortable using it...well up until now.

 

Most days she didn’t get up from bed till late afternoon. Then she would start drinking. And drink until she couldn’t remember her name, then drink a little more until she could close her eyes without seeing his face. Because it was hard to not think about this man who had managed to get under skin.  Ben was now everything she was and everything she had reminded her of him. Even looking at her own body reminded her of him; it was like nothing was her own anymore.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's journey continues.. and she makes some terrible decisions. But you get to meet another fan favourite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry guys for not updating this fic, but it is just so hard to write. Because the theme is so dark, it's easier to write about dark themes in canonverse, but writing it in modern au makes it too real. 
> 
> This is the second installation before the finale. And as any part 2 it is going to be darker. So please read the updated trigger warnings before you proceed.
> 
> It's really angsty. But flashback Ben might help make things better?
> 
> *fingers crossed* Enjoy...

 

_ “What happened here?” Ben asked with his brows furrowed. His hands were under her shirt. They were making out on his couch. It was the first time he’d brought her back to his apartment, the night of their second official date. _

 

_ Rey tensed all over. She wasn’t prepared for this question. She couldn’t meet his eyes, but she didn’t move away either. _

 

_ He put his other hand under her chin and turned her head towards him. He placed a chaste kiss on her lips, so very different from the fervent makeout session they were just having. _

 

_ He pulled away and looked straight in her eyes, then asked, “May I?” He had the hem of her shirt in his hand now. _

 

_ Rey could only nod.  What was the point of not showing him?  He was going to see it sooner or later. _

 

_ Ben carefully rolled up her shirt and exposed her flat belly. Rey heard him suck in a breath. Then she saw the vein on his temple throb. “How did you get hurt?” Ben asked under his breath. _

 

_ Rey closed her eyes for a moment.  She hadn’t plan to have this conversation tonight but it seemed inevitable now. Rey tried to show an air of indifference.  This was her defense mechanism and growing up it was the only way she could survived on the streets. _

 

_ “I got stabbed when I was 15. It needed stitches,” she said, trying to keep it short. He didn’t need to know the details. _

 

_ “How?” he asked her, eyes beseeching, thumb circling the skin right above her scar. _

 

_ Ben knew about her activities when she was in foster care. Her foster father ran a small drug ring. He called it extracurricular activity for them. They were tasked to sell drugs in front of the school and playground, to kids their age. _

 

_ He knew Rey ran away from her foster house when she was 17. She emancipated herself with the help of a kind social worker. _

 

_ “Well you know about our extracurricular activities at Unkar’s. I was out one evening with one of my regulars, he was a senior in my school, he wanted me to accompany him to a party. He told me I would have more people there to sell my merchandise to.”  _

 

_ She paused because she could feel his anger rolling off of him. Rey didn’t want to upset him. She tried to sound more casual, like it didn’t matter, like it was ancient history, like she never had nightmares about this experience. _

 

_ She held his hand that was resting on her belly and felt him relax a little, his face softened. He nodded for her to continue. “I refused, because I didn’t want to be involved more than I already was. But I knew if Unkar found out he would probably want me to do it.” _

 

_ Ben sat up and pulled her up with him. He wrapped her up in his arms, her head resting against his heart, she found the sound of his beating heart calming. _

 

_ “Then what happened?” Ben urged her to resume. _

 

_ “He got angry, he was already stoned, and he grabbed my arms, dragging me back to his car. I fought back, I had taken on guys bigger than him before so he wasn’t any match for me, but I didn’t realize he had a knife. He stabbed me, and drove off leaving me there.” Rey was avoiding his gaze, she felt his arms tightening around her. His heart beating fast. She knew he was angry, so she looked up. _

 

_ “It’s okay Ben, I’m fine. I needed stitches, but it’s healed now.” She smiled up at him, trying to make him feel better. _

 

_ Ben looked anything but comforted by her reassurance. She turned her face and placed a kiss on his covered chest, right over his heart. In return, he just tightened his hold on her, and she tried to remember if she ever felt this safe before, like she did right there in his arms. _

 

* * *

 

Rey stood there leaning against a lamp post, looking at her phone, as the bell rang and kids filed out of the main entrance of the school. Her old school. She waited there wearing one of Ben’s sweatshirts, hood up partially covering her face. 

 

As she looked up from the screen, she found BB stepping out; he was smaller than the other kids, despite being a junior in the school, a sign of being malnourished and living on bare minimum for most of his life. BB was one of the younger kids from her old foster house. 

 

Their eyes met and BB nodded his acknowledgement. He walked towards her ignoring the taunting from some bullies who were gathered near the school entrance. Rey raised her head, and sneered at them dangerously when their gaze followed BB to her. They cowered and turned the other way whispering to themselves. 

 

It wasn't long ago that she used to go here. And it was comforting to know that they remembered her from her time in this hell hole of a school. That her reputation persisted, she wasn't someone to trifle with, and took on kids twice her size. And she hated bullies.

 

BB approached her, giving her a small side hug. He looked at her face from under the hoodie and hesitated before speaking his mind. “Jesus, Rey what have you done to yourself?” He reached up and placed his hand over her forehead and Rey turned away, taking half a step back, out of his reach.

 

“Don't worry about it. How are you? You don't look that good yourself,” Rey said, looking him up and down.

 

“Nah it's fine,” he said smiling a little and bobbing his head the adorable way he does.  BB was in many ways like a little brother to her. She reached out and ruffled his hair.

 

“Are you sure kid?  I can help you get emancipated, I'm still in touch with my friend who help me,” Rey said, moving closer to him taking in his features.

 

BB shook his head dismissively, “I'm fine Rey, and there is no point, I age out in few months and then I'm leaving. Heading for California, they have legalized Marijuana you know, I'm gonna make a fortune of it,” he said raising his chin up, before they both burst into laughter.

 

“If it's legal, people would buy it from stores or online. They won't need to buy it from teen delinquents,” Rey said, shaking her head. It was one of their inside jokes, they used to stay up at night and plot to take over Unkar’s business when they were younger and still in the foster house together. That seemed like a lifetime ago. Before she knew freedom and before she met Ben.

 

The thought of him was like dousing ice cold water on herself. It brought her back to her reality. Her mood darken and BB felt it shift.

 

He reached into his pocket and got out a zip lock packet of herbs. Passing it to her, “It's regular, party size, but you know the drill,” he said with a nervous laugh.

 

Rey took it from him, her brow furrowed as she looked up at him.

 

“You've got my text, this is not what I've asked for, BB,” She said sternly.

 

“Okay, okay.”  BB relented reaching into his backpack and offered his fist, she took it acting as inconspicuous as she possibly could in a situation like this.

 

Rey pockets the packet and nodded to him. BB got the message and didn't mention the object again as she took him to the diner they frequented. She bought him dinner and asked him about home and school. They spend the rest of evening normally. But Rey couldn't ignore the worried look BB gave her every once in awhile, when he thought she wasn't looking.

 

Rey wasn't into hard drugs, she wasn't planning on taking it. But sometimes she felt so much pain, she just needed an escape, even if it's for a short while.

 

* * *

 

Rey got home from meeting BB and felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw it was Finn. 

 

“Hey Finn. What's up?” she tried to sound normal.  She had a feeling she failed.

 

“Hey.. peanut. How are you doing?” she didn't like the worried tone in his voice but she didn't know any way of making it better.

 

“Just got home from seeing, BB.” she said, closing the door and dropping her keys on the table by the door.

 

“Yeah, what did you guys do?” Finn asked cautiously.

 

“We had dinner after his class. I dropped him at Unkar’s and came home.” She toed off her trainers and sat heavily on the couch.

 

“That's great. I've been meaning to see him too. But you know with the new semester,” he paused before continuing, “It's good. You should go out more often. Go watch a movie or come out to the club.  We are going there on Friday night. Why don't you join us?” 

 

She wanted to say no but she had an idea that would probably make him stop worrying. And she would be going out, so technically she'd be doing what he was suggesting. 

 

“You know what? I should go to the club. It would take my mind off of things,” she said, getting up. 

 

“What? Now?” Finn stammered.

 

“Yeah, why not?” Rey replied, daring him to say something.

 

“Wait.. I can't come out tonight, I've to finish a paper. I meant let’s go out on Friday...” Finn trailed off.

 

“I'll think about it,” Rey said. “Anyway, gotta go Finn.” he hung up and went to her room.

 

She took off Ben’s hoodie and pulled on the first top she could find from her closet. She had her skinny jeans on. She didn't put much thought in her appearance. She knew the bouncer, he was Ben’s friend. And beside she wasn't going there for company or to impress anyone. 

 

She just needed an escape and a crowded dance floor with strangers seemed like the perfect option. That's what she was constantly, alone in the crowd. At least on the dance floor she can let go and won't have people's eyes following her with pity.

 

She rolled up a joint and when she felt sufficiently buzzed she set out into the night. 

 

Rey took a cab because she was planning on getting drunk. She reached the club in 20 minutes. Dave, Ben’s bouncer friend was a big guy, ex military; he was honorably discharged after his first tour in Iraq. He gave Rey a side hug, whispered his condolences and let her in.

 

She stepped inside and let her senses drown in the music, feeling the energy of the crowd. She hated it, but she was feeling a bit more masochistic than usual.

 

Rey walked to the bar and ordered a few shots, downing them as soon as they arrived. She went to the dance floor and danced for a while, before her eyes fell on a mop of dark hair. She stopped in her track, body freezing where she was. Then the person turned and looked at her. It wasn't Ben. Of course it wasn't, Ben was gone.

 

The guy looked at her and smiled, he was handsome, features were all in right place, the blue eyes complimented his black hair. She looked away and resumed moving with the music.

 

After a moment she felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to look at the guy from before. He smiled at her and asked if he could join her. Rey looked at him, he was tall, almost as tall as Ben. But that's what it was. Almost but not quite.

 

She turned him down, maybe a little more harshly than needed. She was rude and it was uncalled for, but she couldn't care less. She couldn't look at him or be there anymore. The crowd felt like it was closing in on her. She couldn't breathe. She needed to get out. 

 

Rey ran out in the street and stopped at the sidewalk beside the entrance, doubling down and bracing her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath.

 

She felt a hand on her back and looked up to meet the concerned eyes of Dave. He didn't ask her anything just called a cab and helped her get in. He gave the cab the address, which was nice because she wasn't sure if she could actually speak.

 

When she got home she went straight to the en suite. She got into the tub and curled into a ball. And let the tears flow.

 

She felt her pocket and took the tiny plastic packet out. Setting on the rim of the tub she looked at it, as she was assaulted by the memory of a similar night. 

 

* * *

 

_ She heard Ben pounding on the door. Rey sat on the rim of the tub, looking at the floor. She was breathing hard. Her hands clutched in a fist. _

 

_ “Rey, sweetheart, open up the door, please.”  She heard him, his voice was muffled by the closed door. _

 

_ “You are worrying me. What happened at the party?” Ben asked. He was getting frustrated, she could tell. _

 

_ Rey felt a little guilty for making him worry, but she needed to do this. _

 

_ She felt so stupid, she thought those people were trying to be her friend. They would see her as she is, not who she was. How wrong she had been. Ben was so happy when she told him she is going to the party at the house of her classmate. He was happy that finally she was making friends. But her past will always catch up to her.  _

 

_ She was so lost in her thought she didn't hear the sound of keys turning and in seconds, Ben was crouching in front of her. She looked at his big brown eyes and felt his concern for her. _

 

_ He reached out and cupped her chin, “What happened, love? You can tell me.” _

 

_ She took a deep breath, there was no point in not telling him. “Well, I thought Caroline invited me like she did all the others, but when I got there it turned out she was interested in me because she thought I could hook her up, me being a dealer and all,” she finished sarcastically.  _

 

_ Ben huffed, shaking his head and got up and sat beside her. “I'm sorry, sweetheart.” He wrapped one of his arms around her.  _

 

_ She didn't sink into his embrace. She felt dirty, she couldn't run from her past, no matter how much she tried to fit in, how well she did in her studies, or how good she was in what she did, she would never actually fit in. _

 

_ “You don't need to fit in,” Ben said suddenly, jolting her out of her reverie.  She hadn't realized she said it out loud. _

 

_ She looked up, “You don't, I never fit in, but did it matter? You don't owe anything to anyone, Rey. You are perfect as you are,” Ben said placing a kiss on her forehead. _

 

_ She closed her eyes and let herself feel his warmth before opening them. _

 

_ “But aren't you embarrassed by it? It's not wrong, I did what I did to survive but that doesn't cancel it out. I was a drug dealer, Ben. That's my past. It will always be there,” she finished looked down at her hand. _

 

_ “I could never be embarrassed by you. True, you can't change your past, but what you can do is to not let it define y-” he paused looking at her clenched fist.  _

 

_ He took it in his hands and opened it with his fingers. His eyes hardened a little when he saw the tiny packet of white powder. But he schooled his expression and looked up at her. _

 

_ “Were you planning on taking it?” He asked, his voice didn't betray any emotions. _

 

_ Rey gave him a sad smile, “I thought if this is what I will ever be, so why not?” _

 

_ “What they say will not define you, what you do now will. Do you want to prove them right?” he asked holding her gaze. _

 

_ Rey didn't say anything for a moment, then she looked down at the open palm, her throat felt dry. No she wouldn't let these people destroy what she worked so hard for. Ben was right. The only person who had the power to change her life for the better was her. No one could ever take that away from her. _

 

_ “No,” she said finally. _

 

_ “Thought so.” Ben then got up and took the packet and walked up to the toilet and dropping the content, before pressing the flush button. _

 

_ “Promise me something, Rey,” Ben said, walking back to her and pulling her up on her feet. He held her gaze as he brought her hands up to his lips. _

 

_ “Don't let anything force you to make a decision that will ruin everything you ever worked for. And no hard drugs, sweetheart. Can you promise me that?” he said against her knuckles. _

 

* * *

 

Rey made a promise to him that day, she also made a promise to herself. But promises are made to be broken and Ben already broke his. He hadn't come back to her. He promised. 

 

And now she felt like she was being torn apart. She just wanted to be free of this pain.

 

So she decided to break her promise too. 

 

She tore open the packet and spread the contents on the rim. Then she took a deep breath.

 

* * *

 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its easier for me to write Ben, being of the same age as him, I just think if I was in his shoes how would have I treated her? But writing Rey is hard for me, and I had to dig deeper and talk to people with similar experiences to write her character. 
> 
> I hope you guys liked it. Please let me know your opinion in the comments because they helps. Motivation to write this story is so hard to come by.
> 
> Once again shout out to my Beta Nori.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey felt her knees buckling. Bracing herself against the wall, she slid down, her head resting back against it. Drawing her knees to her chest, Rey hugged them tightly. She felt like she would dissolve into thin air and needed to be held together.
> 
> The walls were closing in, but at the same time, she felt that if she let go she would disappear. It was terrifying and Rey wanted to scream but no sound came out of her. Who would hear her anyway? She pushed everyone away and lost the only person she wanted to keep close to her heart.
> 
> The pain was crushing her, and she curled into a ball on the floor. Despite her tears spilling out, she just felt empty. So many conflicting emotions, and she didn't quite know what to feel and what not to feel.
> 
> Her mind was racing. She was angry before, then depressed, and then she acted out. But all this time, she hadn't really given up hope. It'd been more than a year and half since she saw him and 7 months since he went missing. But not once did she really believe he wasn't coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, is anyone still reading this? Lol sorry for the 3 months hiatus. But I'm back and this is it. It was supposed to be 3 chapters but the 3rd one got so long, had to split it in two.
> 
> As usual heed the tags and the warnings before you proceed. 
> 
> This one gets even darker, so I apologize beforehand.

* * *

Rey was sitting on a bench near a playground. Her back was pressed against the backrest and her legs were folded, feet on the edge of her seat. She was biting her nails, a nervous habit triggered by anxiety. She pulled up her sleeves, holding them in her fists because they kept slipping down.

 

Her face was partially covered by her-  _ his-  _ hoodie. She looked around, feeling like all eyes were on her. She hated being out in a crowd, and recently her social anxiety had been on overdrive.

 

Finn asked her to wait for him here at their old playground, but he was running late and Rey was growing more and more jittery every moment.

 

She stared out at the playground, watching the kids play for distraction. But when she looked at that direction, she found eyes were indeed on her. Several, actually. It was a Sunday and kids were here with their parents. A couple of men were there without their spouse. They banded together as their kids played, joking and occasionally throwing lingering glances at her.

 

She felt uncomfortable, but more importantly the whole situation reminded her of something Ben once said. The last time she was here with him, he got pissed at this kind of behavior.

 

* * *

 

 

_ It was a late afternoon and she was sitting on the same spot, soaking in the sun, as she waited for Ben to return. _

 

_ A guy in his late 30s came by and sat down beside her, startling her. Rey glared at the man as he started talking. _

 

_ “Is this seat taken?” _

 

_ “Yes,” Rey answered curtly. _

 

_ “Yeah, by whom?” He snorted. _

 

_ “My boyfriend,” Rey gritted out, her hand on the side fisting, ready to punch the guy. _

 

_ “Really? Then where is he? I don't see anyone here.” He mocked her by looking from side to side, shrugged, “No one.” _

 

_ “Are you saying I'm lying? Leave me alone,” Rey bites back. _

 

_ “No, what I'm saying is, you are trying to play hard to get. Why else sit here looking like a peach ready to pick. I know all about you and your other friends. Little girls coming here to pick up daddies,” the guy finished with a nasty smirk. _

 

_ “I don't know who gave you that idea, but I suggest you at least take of that ring before you make offers like this.” _

 

_ “I can take it off for you..” he added, with a wink and placed his hand on her tight. _

 

_ Rey saw red, before she knew it, her right hook hit the guy's chin, she pulled back and punched him again on his nose. The guy screamed and fell down from the bench. Rey was on her feet, she was fuming. _

 

_ “How dare you touch me, you vile man!” she screamed. She was ready to kick him in his gut but strong arm wrapped around her waist, pulled her back. _

 

_ Ben was shushing her. Trying to calm her down. Rey felt her anger dissipating. He always had the calming effect on her. _

 

_ They guy was visibly cowering now, holding his nose that was bleeding profusely. Rey kept glaring at him, until Ben let her go, and stepped around her. He held a hand out for the guy, who reluctantly took it as Ben pulled him up. _

 

_ Ben didn't let go of the hand, even after the guy stood up. Instead Rey saw the guy wincing as Ben’s grip tightened. _

 

_ “Unfaithfulness is the most unattractive trait anyone can possess. It's repulsive,” he said pulling the guy’s hand up in front of his face. _

 

_ “And that's what you are teaching your son,” Ben said turning his head to a side. _

 

_ There was a little boy standing right behind the guy. When they all turned to look at him, the boy looked at the guy, his eyes widening, “Dad, are you okay?” _

 

_ The guy pulled away, picked his son up and hastily made his exit. _

 

* * *

  

Rey was jolted out of her reverie when Finn dropped heavily beside her.

 

“I'm sorry I'm late Peanut,” Finn said with a warm but apologetic smile.

 

Rey nodded. She was a little shaken by the memory. She looked at the guys who were looking at her directly, and they at least had the courtesy to look away.

 

She was unconsciously itching her arms and Finn caught glimpse of her arm wrap under the long sleeves.

 

Rey looked down and pulled her sleeves all the way down to her fingers.

 

“Why are you wearing your arm wraps again Rey? Don't tell me you started to-” his voice broke he looked mortified.

 

Rey looked away, hiding her arm behind her, staring straight at the playground.

 

“It's nothing Finn, don't worry about it,” Rey snapped.

 

“What do you mean don't worry about it?” Finn sounded bewildered, “Rey, you are cutting yourself again, aren't you?”

 

Rey rolled her eyes, he was so dramatic sometimes. She held her hand up, stopping him.

 

“I have it under control. It's not a big deal,” she said, with practiced nonchalance.

 

“Yeah, you have it  _ very _ under control,” Finn snorted, “You are doing hard drugs.” 

 

To that, Rey flashed him a warning look, which he ignored. “Yes, BB told me. Rey you need to see your doctor again. You can't go on like this!” 

 

He reached up to cup her face, but Rey pulled away and stood up. She felt angry.

 

“Jesus, Finn you are so overbearing.” Rey turned around a marched away from the compound, with Finn calling after her. But she had enough of people trying to  _ help _ her. All they did was judge her as they feigned concern.

 

* * *

 

When Rey got to her apartment building, the elderly doorman smiled at her as he held the door open. She tried to smile back but failed miserably. The man gave her an understanding nod. 

 

As soon as she stepped into the lobby, she was face to face with the fat and leering face of the building's superintendent. Mr. Jabba always tried to be overly friendly with her but Rey excused herself before he could start talking. She didn't care if she was being rude… actually she didn't care about anything.

 

Rey was living in a perpetual state of apathy. She checked her mailbox and pulled out all the mail, quickly scanning through them. No mail with information about Ben.

 

She checked her voicemail when she got home. There was a message from Leia and Rey quickly started playing it. There had been no new information about Ben and Leia was at her wit's end. She didn't want to give up on her son but there was only so much she could do.

 

“I'm sorry Rey, my sources couldn't find any new leads. The one we were following led to a local hospital but the trail went cold. Besides, it was on the other side of the country-- they think it's very unlikely he'd end up there.” 

 

Leia paused with a sigh. “I'm afraid that was our last lead. They won't declare him killed in action without definite proof, but-” her voice broke. 

 

Rey felt her own tears spilling down her cheeks, “But I'm afraid I have to give up on the search. Everyone thinks I should. I haven't heard from Han in over a month. I don't know what he is up to. He is dealing with it in his own way, I guess.”

 

There was another pause; Rey realized Leia was probably trying to gather herself before she spoke again.

 

“I wanted to come down there this weekend. I hope you are taking it better than me, dear. I will talk to you later.”

 

The called dropped but Rey kept staring at the phone. She was counting on that last source. She didn't consciously acknowledge it, but she was holding on to the hope that the last lead would take them somewhere. Anywhere. At least give them closure.

 

But the thought of closure was terrifying. Keeping up the hope, as naive as it may sound, was a better option. She'd put so much of her hope in those sources, but realized it was cruel. Fate was cruel.  _ Then again, wasn't it always cruel to her? _

 

Rey felt her knees buckling. Bracing herself against the wall, she slid down, her head resting back against it. Drawing her knees to her chest, Rey hugged them tightly. She felt like she would dissolve into thin air and needed to be held together.

 

The walls were closing in, but at the same time, she felt that if she let go she would disappear. It was terrifying and Rey wanted to scream but no sound came out of her.  _ Who would hear her anyway? _ She pushed everyone away and lost the only person she wanted to keep close to her heart.

 

The pain was crushing her, and she curled into a ball on the floor. Despite her tears spilling out, she just felt empty. So many conflicting emotions, and she didn't quite know what to feel and what not to feel.

 

Her mind was racing. She was angry before, then depressed, and then she acted out. But all this time, she hadn't really given up hope. It'd been more than a year and half since she saw him and 7 months since he went missing. But not once did she really believe he wasn't coming back.

 

Now she had no choice but to believe, no hope left, nothing to hold on to. All his clothes had lost their scent, she felt like she didn't quite remember the green spots on his brown eyes, or the exact shade of his hair, or the feel of his strands against her fingers. She closed her eyes and tried to remember the deep sound of his voice, but her memory couldn't quite conjure the sound up right.

 

Rey abruptly heaved herself up on her elbow, then used the wall to get up on her knees. Taking a deep breath she got up on her feet, still holding the wall for support.

 

She needed to stop the pain, the emptiness. She needed a release. Rey stopped by the bar and poured herself a drink of straight scotch. She didn't use coke after  _ that _ night. It made her feel numb and forget her pain for a while but she refrained from using. Partially because BB wouldn't supply more, and also because a part of her didn't want to get so deep into this mess. A part of Rey still wanted to save herself. 

 

But tonight she didn't care-- she wished she had some more. The thought almost made her grab the keys and go out to find a fix; she didn't care from where as long as she was free of this pain.

 

She was a mess and she knew it. She had relapsed bad, and it wasn't about Ben anymore even though his disappearance triggered it all. Nevertheless, she was slowly but surely sinking in her own depression and inner issues. And she refused support, professional or emotional. She was on a self destructive path and she was past the point of regret and didn't care anymore. She wanted it all to be over.

 

Rey walked to the wash room. She opened the cupboard and took out a new blade. Shutting the door, Rey averted her glance from the mirror. She didn't like looking at her face anymore.

 

Her face was sunken and her eyes looked hollow. Everything she felt inside finally showed on the outside. Dark circles were deepening and she had lost a lot of weight.

 

She slid down to the floor again. Pulling her hoodie over her head, she threw it aside. Then she unwrapped both her arms. They were pale colored gauze with blood spots splattered on them-- she tossed them away. Rey stripped off her jeans as well; the cold floor against her feverish skin felt good. 

 

She tried to concentrate on that to calm her jittery nerves. Rey just wanted the pain and the hollow feeling to go away. Most nights she'd refrain from this activity and drink till she passed out. But tonight, she needed some release. She took a deep breath, holding it in as her fingers wrapped tightly around the blade. She vaguely felt the slight sting, but it wasn't enough. 

 

She opened her eyes and started drawing the blade across horizontally, in her usual pattern. It wasn't deep enough to seriously harm her, but it stung more as she drew on the already existing healing wounds from earlier.

 

As she saw her blood trickle down her arm, she felt a strange kind of satisfaction-- a weird kind of delight in inflicting pain on herself. It's not like she didn't know it was wrong and perverse, but she just didn't care.

 

She knew she was smiling, but her eyes still watered up and it was hard to see. She sliced open a deeper cut and then she looked at her reddened skin and the blue vein running under her the translucent membranes. And Rey wondered. Just one quick slice, vertically down the length of her forearm and it will be all over. All the suffering, the hollowness, the suffocating pain on her chest, gone forever and she would be lost to blissful nothingness.

 

_ So easy _ , she mused. Her blade hovered over her wrist, the cruel smile still tugging at the corner of her mouth. She could be with her parents again. She could be with her Ben.

 

_ Ben.  _

 

Rey heard it then, tiny at first, then it got louder, and stronger. _No. Too easy. It couldn't end like this._ _After all that suffering, it just couldn't. It's not fair._ She won't do this to herself. 

 

The Rey that Ben loved, the Rey that had fought so hard to become a strong woman, the Rey who never gave up. She deserved better than what she was offering. The little voice inside her heart was  _ that Rey _ and now she was shouting. Trying to break free. She wanted this madness to stop.

 

Rey dropped the blade, her eyes widening.  _ What was she thinking? What did she almost do? _ A strangled cry escaped through her clenched teeth. She crawled to the toilet and emptied her stomach. The scotch and bile burnt her throat.

 

She struggled to her feet, clutching her belly as she made it back to the sink. She washed her mouth, her face and then she washed her forearms, all in a daze. Her mind was still reeling. She wrapped her arm in a hand towel and staggered back to her bed, crashing headfirst on the pillow. 

 

Rey vaguely thought her sheets would be bloodstained but she had no energy left in her to get up and wrap her arm.

 

She was all burnt-out and soon succumbed to a dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will post the final chapter in few days. It's almost done, I'm writing and rewriting it, :/
> 
> I wrote most of the elements based on my own experience, revisiting those memories were hard. Writing rey pov is very hard for me, so be gentle.
> 
> Anyway please let me know your thoughts about the chapter in the comments below. 
> 
> And remember, it's always darkest before the dawn. ♡♡


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey could feel his heart beating against her, strong and powerful. He is here, he is alive.
> 
> She didn't realize she was chanting it against his skin, until she felt his throat vibrate against her lips.
> 
> “I am here, sweetheart, I came back for you,” Ben said his lips pressed in her hair. He was breathing her in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it folks
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me and this story for so long.
> 
> I hope you like it.

* * *

 

It was early, still dark outside, the curtains weren't pulled shut- she wasn't exactly in the right state of mind to shut them last night- so she could see the sky was still dark. But she felt like she'd been sleeping for hours.

 

She pulled her focus back to the present. Something woke her up from her sleep, and it had to be something unusual.

 

Then she heard it again, there was noise coming from the front room. She vaguely tried to remember if she put the safety chain on.

 

She probably didn't. Because what she planned to do that night, safety really wouldn't have been an issue for her anymore.

 

Rey heard a key jiggling and someone shutting the door behind them very carefully. Then there was sound of shuffling from the other room. She gulped and clutched her covers tightly. Her head supplying who else had the key to her apartment? Leia and Finn. But also the creepy superintendent of the apartment building. The thought made her feel dizzy.

 

If that's the case she had to focus on protecting herself. She made a decision to give life another chance, only few hours ago. She owe it to herself to fight for it now.

 

Rey’s brain went to overdrive to come up with a plan as she heard a footstep approaching. Drawing closer and closer.

 

She reached for her bedside drawer for the 9mm magnum, that Ben kept there for home protection. It was loaded.

 

The gun felt cold to touch and she wrapped her hand around it, pulling it out and bringing it under the covers. The cool metal pressed along the skin of her exposed stomach. Safety still on.

 

Rey pinned her eyes on the entrance of her bedroom. The double doors were open and she cursed herself for leaving them like that.

 

She send a silent prayer to whoever would listen. Then closed her eyes and asked Ben to give her strength. He taught her to shoot. She hoped his lessons would save her.

 

There was a silhouette in the doorway: someone was standing there, still and right outside. Then they moved. Rey swiftly pulled the gun out, aiming at the moving object, as it dropped something heavy just by her door.

 

She pulled the safety off the moment the intruder turned on the light switch.

 

Rey almost pulled the trigger in her shock as she saw him holding his hands up in surrender.

 

She blinked, once, twice. _What kind of cruel dream was this? And why was it so realistic?_ It seemed more dramatic than realistic. But the fact remained, she couldn't believe her eyes.

 

Not even when she traced his face, eyes running the the length of his body down and back up again. There was a scar running down his face, unevenly bisecting his beautiful face. His hair longer than his usual length, almost brushing his shoulders.

 

Not even when he opened his mouth, and called her “Sweetheart.”

 

Rey’s hands clutching the gun shook at his endearment. He smiled one if his lopsided smiles, the scar making it even more uneven than before. She unconsciously thought it suited him.

 

Pulling the gun back Rey rubbed her fists on her eyes-- she was still clutching the gun.

 

“Careful now with that,” he said taking a step closer. Rey’s eyes flew open, she looked bewildered. He stopped right at the end of their bed.

 

“Rey, let's put the gun down. I'm gonna come around and you  hand me the gun so I can put it away. Is that okay?” he implored, eyes brown and deep, just like she remembered.

 

He walked up to her extending his palm asking for the loaded firearm to be handed over. Rey blinked at his hand, the same ones that held hers albeit a little more calloused than usual and with healing scars. She pressed the gun in his open palm and he pulled away, expertly pulling the magazine out. The crude noise too loud in her empty and quiet apartment. It made her flinch and she felt her sleep dull mind clear a little.

 

It was _him_. He placed the gun and the magazine neatly on the bedside table and looked back at her. His eyes were searching her face, they looked troubled. Maybe it was how she felt and how her eyes looked that was reflecting back.

 

Rey gulped when he got down on his knees beside her side of the bed. She had seen many dreams of him coming back over the last year and half. They ranged from dramatic to fantastical in theme. But it never felt so real, Rey thought as she settled back on her pillows, looking up at his tired but beautiful face. Exhaustion once again taking over her body. But Rey thought why not enjoy this while it lasts.

 

She reached up and traced the new scar on his face with the tip of her fingers. It started on his forehead, right above his right brow, missing his hooded eyes, running over his cheek, down his jaw. Rey furrowed her brows, it seemed to run further down, his neck and his shoulder, covered by his shirt.

 

She was confused. _Why would she dream with such vivid imagery and what gave her the idea?_ Rey was too tired to think that hard. She traced her fingers over his lips, and felt him kiss their tips. Rey smiled up at him.

 

Her eyes were too heavy to keep open, but she didn't want this dream to end. She fought to keep her eyes open. He took her hand in his and pressed a kiss inside her palm and then held it against his cheek.

 

“Sleep now, love,” she heard him say.

 

“Ben you're here-” she managed to croak out  before sleep again took over.

 

* * *

 

Ben stayed there kneeling for a while. Just looking at her face. She had lost so much weight, her eyes had dark circles under them in the shades of deep purple. And her cheeks looked hollow but still she was the most beautiful woman in the world.

 

Her eyes still gleamed the brightest and her smile the sweetest. Ben ran his hand up her wrist and felt the fresh scars. The ridges were jagged and uneven with some still bleeding. She went back to cuttin-- that means she had been in a very dark place lately. He couldn't blame her, if their situations were reversed he didn't think he'd been strong enough either.

 

He shouldn't have taken that assignment. He was finally happy in his life; he had found his belonging with her, within her. He shouldn't have given it all up for what… glory? There was no glory in war and fighting. There was no victory. Someone always lost. And it could have easily been them.

 

There was not a single day he didn’t regretted his decision to leave her all alone. She was only just beginning to come out of her shell, starting to trust people, getting her life on track. Rey had finally begun to see the fruit of all her hard work and the suffering she had had all her life.

 

He was merely an anchor for her. Rey had started to sort her life out the moment she took initiatives to be emancipated then she worked so hard to get away from her dark past and to build herself a better life.

 

When he met her she'd already gotten a scholarship and was working two jobs to support herself. But she never complained. His girl was self reliant and hard working. She took care of herself. She'd been doing that all her life. Ben was in awe of her and her resilience.

 

But she had so many personal demons. Ben found his equally broken match. They never had been vulnerable to anyone, fear of abandonment, of rejection, of dependency always had been gnawing at their souls. But together they started to heal each other and overcome their fear and anxiety.

 

And that should have been what he put first. Not a wayward dream of glory or misplaced loyalty to a cause that would fall short. He didn't even believe in it anymore. The moment his eyes fell on her his priorities changed, and he was tied down to her and only her. And he should have known better because she was the same. To take that away from her was the cruelest thing to do.

 

To call his assignment a dangerous and life threatening one would be an understatement. And he went in fully knowing the consequences. He brought this on them and he'd have to live with that knowledge and make it up to her for the rest of their lives.

 

All the pain, torture, suffering, loss and near death experiences didn't terrify him more than the prospect of never making it up to her or losing her for his stupidity.

 

Ben picked up her wrist and noticed the beginning of a vertical cut. His heart almost stopped. He knew her patterns, he had cleaned her cuts numerous time and she was never suicidal. She just needed an outlet for the pain, to focus it in one place. He understood it, better than anyone. But Rey was in an even darker place than he'd previously imagined.

 

From the look of it, it was fresh, and the realization of him coming so close then losing her hit him like a brick wall. He couldn't hold it anymore and gave in to the tears.

 

* * *

 

Rey woke up with a start. For a moment she couldn't remember where she was. She looked around trying to get her bearings. The curtains were shut, but the wind made it flutter and she could see the sky was lighting up.

 

She looked back and found Ben sitting by her bed side. He pulled the armchair closer. He looked deep in thought, eyes pinned on her. She couldn't be dreaming. The scar was still on his face; he looked the same as the other dream.

 

She shifted and sat with her back pressed against the headboard. Her eyes never left him. Rey looked down at her arm, and saw it bandaged neatly. She looked up. Ben’s eyes followed her movement and he got up and sat beside her on the bed, facing her.

 

He reached out and took her hand, tracing his thumb on her skin. This was all too real. She wasn't dreaming. He really was here! The realization rooted her to the spot. He had cleaned her wound and wrapped it up. It was only like Ben to do such things, without asking questions, demanding answers. He gave her space, he loved her despite her flaws and her rough edges.

 

“We need to change the sheets-” Ben started, but he was knocked back when Rey practically threw herself on his chest. Her arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders, face buried in his neck. It took a second for him to recover but then he pulled her up in his arms and she melted into him.

 

Rey could feel his heart beating against her, strong and powerful. _He is here, he is alive._

 

She didn't realize she was chanting it against his skin, until she felt his throat vibrate against her lips.

 

“I am here, sweetheart, I came back for you,” Ben said his lips pressed in her hair. He was breathing her in.

 

Rey felt like she would faint from happiness. Or maybe she was just weak from lack of food in her system-- she couldn't remember the last time she ate, and honestly she didn't care. He was here and she was in his arms.

 

She started kissing his throat, his shoulder, his jaw, his chin. She wanted to feel him, she wanted to taste every part of him.

 

“I thought I lost you, oh god, Ben, you came back.”

 

“Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry, I should have never left you. Coming back to you was the only thing that kept me going,” Ben said, returning his own kissed down her temple, side of her face, her cheek.

 

He pulled back, but Rey held him tight. She turned in his lap, straddling him, her thighs pressing on to his sides. She crushed her lips to his, kissing him deeply, her hands holding his head. Rey opened her mouth and sucked his lower lip. Ben groaned and dove his tongue inside her.

 

Rey felt him explore her mouth, pulling her even closer. She moaned into his mouth. She had forgotten the feel of his mouth against hers, the bliss, the passion.

 

She pulled away panting against his wet lips. Her eyes flitting between his brown ones and his pouty lips. She bit the lower lips, as she felt his hardened member twitching against her panty covered pussy. _Oh how she missed that. It's been so long. Too long._

 

Rey moaned, her hips moving on their own, as she grinded down against him. Her eyes slid shut as she felt his warmth and hardness.

 

Ben growled, it was a desperate longing sound. Rey’s eyes flew open and she looked up at him. His eyes were dark and full of want for her.

 

She started deliberately moving her hips against his cock. She needed to feel him, all of him, needed to ascertain that he was really here, he was back.

 

“Ben please, I need you inside me,” she pleaded to him. A lone tear rolling down her cheek.

 

Ben leaned forward and captured the tear with his lips, kissing it away.

 

“Shh, you don't have to ask, sweetheart. I'm here and I'm all yours,” he said as she felt his hands reaching under her shirt. Fingers brushed the underside of her breasts. Rey felt herself shudder, she was too sensitive all over.

 

“But are you sure? Won't you rather sleep? I can get you something to eat. You look hungry and tired.”

 

Even though what he was saying made sense and she was all those things, her anxiety flared at his suggestion. To her it sounded like rejection.

 

She looked away turning her face, felt her heart constrict. When she spoke her voice sounded small and what she said sounded pathetic to her own ears.

 

“You don't want to have sex with me?”

 

He saw his eyes widen, and horror flashing in them. He grasped her face, looked deep into her eyes, his breathing sounded ragged.

 

“Of course I want to have sex with you, silly girl, why would you even say that? I'm so painfully hard now, can't you feel it? I think I'd cum just from the thought of being inside you.”

 

“Then don't stop, I need you,” she said as she got on her knees over him and pulled her t-shirt over her head in one swift movement.

 

Ben gasped, looking up his eyes were wide as he traced her skin, at first with his eyes then his finger. Taking her breasts in his palms, he started squeezing and kneading her soft flesh.

 

Rey grabbed his shoulders to support herself. He took her nipples between his thumb and forefinger and started twisting and pulling. Rey threw her head back, blunt nails digging into his shoulders.

 

Ben leaned forward and captured one dusky pink nipple between his lips. He rolled his tongue around her stiff bud while pulling and squeezing the other one.

 

He pulled away, letting go of her nipple with a slick pop, and nudged his nose against the wet bud as he looked up at her.

 

“God I missed your tits Rey,” he said before moving to the other one and paying the same attention.

 

When it became too much and her nipple felt too sensitive she pulled his head up and kissed him thoroughly.

 

Rey grasped Ben’s sweater and pulled it off a little too aggressively.

 

“Someone is very impatient,” Ben quipped.

 

“I want to feel your skin,” Rey huffed, and moaned as she felt his bare skin under her palms. Looking down she traced all the new scars on his chest and torso.

 

There were the ones she had memorized and then there were the new ones. She traced the one that was the extension of the scar on his face to the side of his arms. She wondered how he got it and felt her anger starting to boil.

 

But then Rey felt her eyes water as she felt one deep cut that was on his left side. It was deep and the flesh puckered in. She swallowed hard pushing down the knot in her throat. Biting her trembling lips she looked up at him. God knows what kind of horror he'd been through in the past year and a half. Compared to him all their troubles seem so negligible. Not for the first time Rey felt angry at herself for being so weak.

 

“You are not weak. We all have to fight our own battle. You fought yours for the longest time. You are the strongest person I know. Your strength kept me going Rey.” He kissed her trembling lips. “You are my strength.”

 

Rey threw her arms around him pulling him to a tight embrace. “And you are mine. Thanks for always understanding. I don't deserve it.”

 

“You deserve so much more,” he brushed the hair from her face, “Thank you for waiting.”

 

“I'd always wait for you,” Rey said with conviction. “I'd always love _you.”_

 

“And I'd always love you too, only you.” Ben pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss that made her head feel light.

 

Rey reached down and started unbuckling his belt. Ben held her head with one hand and helped her with the other. Together they took off his belt, tossing it aside. Rey unbuttoned his jeans and pulled his hardened member out.

 

His cock twitched in her hand and Ben groaned at her touch, involuntarily bucking against her hand. The sight of his erection made her mouth water. It's been too long, and she wanted to wrap her mouth around it and taste him. But her pussy was aching with want and she needed him inside her even more.

 

Ben leaned down and captured her nipple once more. He was sloppily sucking onto her breast with no care of the world.

 

Rey raised up on her knees and pulled her panties aside, sliding her slit along his erection. Ben was too enthralled with the swell of her breast in his mouth to notice her lining him up to her entrance. Ben pulled away from her nipple and groaned as she slid in to the hilt.

 

Rey choked out a silent cry. She felt so full, there was too much friction. It really had been so long. The last time she had sex was the night he left. At first, she used her toys to get off thinking about him and what he'd do to her if he were there. But slowly as the days turned to weeks and then months, the separation got worse and she started losing interest. Then it just became to unbearable to do it-- it felt empty, and it felt wrong.

 

She was still for a moment, just getting used to the sensation. Ben went back to her breast. She knew he was distracting himself, not moving until she was ready. Rey carded her fingers through his hair, tilting his face up, and kissing his forehead.

 

“I'm ready,” she said and felt his stiffening. He grasped her waist and started moving. Rey looped her arms around his shoulders and started moving up and down on his shaft.

 

“Oh stars Rey. You feel so tight,” Ben said through clenched teeth. “I don't think I can last, sweetheart.”

 

He was pushing up in measured strokes but Rey needed more. She needed him to lose control, she needed to feel his raw and powerful thrusts.

 

“It's okay. Don't hold back. Ben please,” Rey breathed out.

 

She squeezed her thighs together, and heard him growl against her neck. She knew he loved it when she did that...it drove him insane.

 

Ben got on his knees taking her with him as her legs wrapped around his waist.

 

He laid her down, not too gently and pinned her hands down on the bed. His face was inches from hers, their noses brushing as he started pushing into her earnestly.

 

“You have no idea, I've dreamt about this moment for so long. I can't believe I'm really here and I'm inside you,” he panted over her.

 

“Oh sweetheart, this feels like coming home,” Ben said his face buried in her neck.

 

Rey met his thrusts with her own and bucked her hips up to meet his. His balls slapped noisily against her butt and the sound filled the room.

 

“Yes, come inside me. I need to feel your come filling me up.” She felt his cock twitching inside her; her dirty talking always affected him. He was close but he was holding back and that was unacceptable. She squeezed his butt, digging her fingers in his flesh and whispered in his ear.

 

“Fill me up with your seed Ben. Make me forever yours.”

 

And that finally pushed him over the edge. He came with a scream, shooting ropes of hot come deep inside her.

 

After he emptied himself inside her pussy, Ben pulled out and threw her legs over his shoulder and buried his face in her crotch.

 

He latched onto her clit and started sucking, pulling and nibbling her sensitive bud. His fingers sneaked back inside her. He curled his fingers and the tip brushed against her g spot. He knew her body too well, just like she new his. And in seconds she came as well. Her back arched up and she half moaned and half screamed his name.

 

As she came down from her high, Rey sleepily looked up at the love of her life. His face covered in their collective cum and the new scar couldn't hamper his beauty. She pulled him to her chest and heard him say, “I love you.”

 

“I love you more.” She whispered into his hair.

 

Rey finally felt at home and at peace. He was gone and now he was back. And Rey would never ever let him go again. Ben belonged to her and only her and she'd fight against the whole world to keep him in her arms.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't want to split it in two even thought it's almost the length of two chapter. I hope it was satisfying after all the angst and pain. I did promise a happy ending.
> 
> My beta wants me to write an epilogue, I don't know about it, but if you guys want it i might write a short epilogue.
> 
> Anyway, please let me know your thoughts about the reunion and the smut in the comments. It was such an emotional journey I really want to know how you all feel. :)

**Author's Note:**

> So that was that.... 
> 
> (General military terms: MIA: missing in action. POW: Prisoner of War. KIA: Killed in Action.)
> 
> I have separation anxiety too. So I know pairing that up with depression and severe case of abandonment issue can be catastrophic. But remember I promised happy ending. 
> 
> I wanna thank my beloved Beta @ns0241 for helping me out with this story. Without her I probably would have deleted the fic by now.
> 
> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr if you wanna talk. :)  
> [@Shwtlee4Reylo](http://shwtlee4reylo.tumblr.com/)


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